Undelivered President Barack Obama Pre-Vacation Speech
–Richard E. Vatz
President Barack Obama has announced that he will give a major address after his vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. The planned major speech on jobs will, say his aides, provide “new ideas.”
Some have wondered why the president is withholding these ideas with so many Americans unemployed and suffering. Mr. Obama has said that he understands that some might want to hear a speech — any speech — before he goes away since his rhetoric has been so reassuring to troubled Americans in the recent past.
I have obtained the pre-vacation and now “on-vacation”speech that the president is considering giving, his aides tell me, to “tide the American unemployed over” until after Labor Day. He has not decided whether to give it, but here it is in its entirety:
My Fellow Americans,
Good Evening. America is in trouble. Unemployment is over 9%; government spending and entitlements are out of hand; and the debt is alarmingly spiraling out of control. This is all, of course, due to actions and policies of the George W. Bush Administration, actions and policies on which I shall not dwell.
Fortunately, I have a plan which will solve all of those problems.
It is a plan which may miraculously solve each and very one of these problems, as well as ancillary concerns, and also deal with unanticipated consequences, consequences which I have, incidentally, taken to anticipate.
I do not claim that my comprehensive solution to the foregoing problems will solve all of the problems in the next 100 days. Nor the next 1000 days. But let us begin.
I am not going to announce my plan yet, a plan, again, which will serve as a beacon for the future for so many worried Americans who are literally panicked at this time regarding their own jobs, futures and the future of America. Some are concerned about losing their houses and having their families devastated by the current unemployment crisis.
I would announce this nirvana-creating solution now, except that I am going on vacation.
Incidentally, I do have time, fortunately, to announce my Vacation Reading List for my vacation. I shall read the following books: Machiavelli’s The Prince and Richard M. Nixon’s 1968 Plan to End the Vietnam War, a plan which, incidentally, he did not have time to announce either.
In any case, my life-transforming plan is coming, and the problems you all fear will ultimately be solved.
In the meantime, don’t worry; be happy. Michelle and I find that worrying about problems just makes them worse.
On to vacation.
Hasta la Vista.
Oh, and God Bless America.
Professor Vatz thanks the Obama aide who provided him with the transcript of President Obama’s speech.